So Wednesday was my first day back to work. In a weird way I was a little excited to go back but then as the time got closer that slowly faded into sadness. The day before I went back to work I just held my baby all day and we took a couple naps together. I just wanted to take it all in before I wasn’t able to do it for a while.
Wednesday morning came pretty fast after our long holiday weekend. I soon found myself dropping my little guy off at my mom’s house. As I was standing in the kitchen looking at my little guy I kept telling my mom everything she needed to know to prolong the moment when I had to leave. I think that my mom noticed that I was doing this and she said to Landon “Say bye bye to mommy”. That is when I realized that I really had to leave him and I gave him a big kiss on the cheek and turned around and headed for the door. I did surprise myself by not completely breaking down and crying the whole way to work but only getting watery eyes for a moment. The whole way to work I kept looking in the back seat for the little guy. I would then realize that he wasn’t there and then I would reassure myself that at least he is in good hands with my mom and he isn’t at a daycare where he potentially could be neglected.
Amazingly my first day wasn’t to bad at work. I think that I kept myself busy and was trying to get back in the hang of thing I didn’t have the voided time to sit and really think about him. However I couldn’t wait until 4:00 came to leave so I could go get him and give him many loves. I can’t say the something happened on Thursday and Friday. Each day it got harder and harder to leave him. By the time I pick him up after work drive home he is ready to eat and go to bed. I feel that I don’t get to play, hug, kiss, or adore my little guy. Then it is off to the same routine the next day.
I am glad that my first week back I only had to work 3 days. I now know I have the whole weekend to fill in all my voids that I am feeling. I think that Monday is actually going to be the heart breaker knowing that I have a whole week to work.
With all that said I am now in tears and I am going to post this so I can wipe those away. Hopefully it will get easier.
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My Kimberly. I am so sorry. I truly know exactly how you feel and what you are going through. I have been going through the same thing for over a year now. I hate to leave the kids especially now that they seem to be getting older so quickly. I want to give you words of wisdom and hope but can not. I too am full of heart ache all week long. But, we are strong women and seem to be able to do what we know has to be done. So, we continue trucking along and work our way through all the pain and longing that our hearts feel through out each day. It makes it easier knowing that we have each other. Good luck. If you find a magic solution to the balancing act please fill me in. Love ya.
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